Because that pain is coming, whether you like it or not. You have to be patient. I know, that sucks to hear, but the only way around it is through it. Relationships form the basis of meaning in our lives. And not just your interpersonal relationships, 1 but even the relationships you have with your job or your identity or your possessions. But because humans rely so much on our social lives to survive and thrive, 2 our relationships with each other carry an extra special weight.
Therefore, when you lose a relationship, especially one that was so important and central to your everyday life, you lose that associated meaning. And to lose meaning is to lose a part of yourself. So all of these things are intimately connected — your relationships, your sense of meaning and purpose, and your perception of who you are. That feeling of emptiness we all feel when we lose someone we love is actually a lack of meaning and lack of identity. There is, quite literally, a hole inside of ourselves.
But the hard pill to swallow here is this: part of you is now dead and gone. Dump the toxic relationship cycle with my free mini course on attachment styles. Your information is protected and I never spam, ever. You can view my privacy policy here. Surrounding yourself with people who truly care about you is probably one of the most common pieces of advice for getting over someone.
In order to restore that meaning through reconnecting with people, however, you need to make it about more than just you and your past failed relationship. Yes, you need time to vent and to figure things out, and having someone there for that is helpful. Another way to separate yourself from your past relationship and move on is to take an objective look at what the relationship was really like.
We should be together forever! First, we tend to see the past through rose-colored glasses. What happened? The truth is, our memories are pretty shitty , 5 , 6 and we often only remember the things that fit into whatever story we want to believe right now. Toxic relationships only ever survive on drama, and as the drama ramps up to keep the relationship going, you become dependent on that drama , or even addicted to it. You start thinking that irrational jealousy or controlling behavior or dickish and snide comments were somehow actually signs of their undying love for you.
